Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize