My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
