I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
