Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
