I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
