haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
