nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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