So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
