Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
