She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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