From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize