She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
