I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
