Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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