I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
