K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
