I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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