She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
