mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
