I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
