I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
