Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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