I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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