i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
