I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize