The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
