so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
