just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
