Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
