My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
