If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
