I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have fence marks all over my body
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
