The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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