I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
