I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
