I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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