This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize