it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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