The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
