what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
