its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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