Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
