I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
