I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
