After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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