I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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