Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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