Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
