How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
