I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize