so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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