DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
