just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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