When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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