Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
