im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
