I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
