peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
