omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
