wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
