Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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