the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
